Single Mom

Do you have a "dream travel" list? I do. Countries like the Czech Republic, Greece, Cuba, Belize, and oh, everywhere, make my list. So when I found a class that lets me go to Belize and get 4 credits toward my degree, I jumped on it. The catch is that I'll be gone for 11 days and will need a dog sitter. With plenty of notice, I asked my ex to care for them. I thought, wrongly it would seem, that he would help. Because, you know, he wanted to keep them when we got divorced. Then, after a few months went by, he didn't want them as much, but said he'd watch them if I needed it.

Then, I got this email on Friday:
I'm really sorry but I will not be able to watch the dogs this time. I am planning to be in Vegas visiting the fam for Thanksgiving and won't be back before you leave. In fact I would prefer to be moved down the list of potential dog-sitters if you don't mind. This is very difficult for me because I do love them, but a lot of things are changing for me and it's just no longer comfortable or convenient for me to take them on, especially for such a long stretch as two weeks. I might be able to take them for a few days around Christmas/New Year's, but I can't commit right now.

There are a million different possible responses to an email like this. I really wanted to go to snark, 'cus that's what I do best. Here are my options:

1. I will make other arrangements from now on. You won't be inconvenienced again. Maybe I'll text you when Rocky dies. Maybe not. I'd hate to make it uncomfortable for you.
2. Oh, yes, I totally understand. Two weeks is such a long time. Why, I don't know how I possibly handle it for all the weeks in a row that I've had them.
3. Once again, I am so flippin' happy that we never had children together.

In the end, I think it's best to go with passive aggressive-infused guilt.

At first I was really upset. How dare he drop this crap on me when I'm working, going to school, being a single dog mom, and trying to have a life? Then I had a moment of clarity... I can take care of this on my own. I have been all this time. There are gobs of people more than willing to help me. My friends, people who care about me, are here to help. As a backup, I had the vet give them a bordatella shot yesterday just in case I need to board them. My brother and sister-in-law are going to let them stay at their farm, so it's all going to work out. This really is a blessing in disguise. Really. Now I never have another reason to see my ex again. I can finally let go of that part of my life. Let go of that person I used to be.

I think I'll celebrate by going to Belize.

oh pooh.

Someone wants Lexi. I'm crying because she's going away and we can't keep her. Sure, we could, but we know that it wouldn't make sense financially. And that's just not fair for her. But gosh, I wish we had a million dollars so we could. They want to get her on a weekend so they can have time to get acquainted before going to work Monday. I'm going out of town tomorrow through Sunday and I'm not sure it's such a good idea to send her off while I'm gone, too. So we have one more week with her before they take her to her new home. I've sure grown attached to that little pumpkin. My little Lexi Loo Hoo, Alexis Montgomery Alistair Stewart DePew, Lexi Bear, Stinky, Mrs. Tinkles, Sweetpea and Turd 2 1/2. I know that they will take care of her, but will they clean her ass like we've been doing the past two weeks since her surgery? Will they be calm and gentle when she has an accident in the house? Will they keep her fit and not overfeed her? We know as fosters going into this that it's a temporary deal. We know it but we don't feel it in our hearts. I'm not so sure that I'm strong enough to be a foster anymore. It breaks your heart to let them go.

losing things

Yesterday marked one year since Samantha when to play with the Big Dog. Most days I just remember her fondly and laugh. On some days, like yesterday, the memory of it all comes crashing back. It's harder still when something happens to remind me of how much we love our pets and how it hurts so much when they are gone.

When I lost my princess, it felt like someone had drilled a hole through my heart while I was sleeping. Every day when I woke up I could feel the wind whistling through the vast, open, space.

Time is both forgiving and cruel. A year on and my heart is nearly filled back in. A year later and we have a new, very energetic beagle in our home, annoying and delighting our little old man to no end. A year ago I had my hard drive replaced. The things I thought that were so important to back up turned out to be the least important of all. Project files, old emails, and other crap fill up two years worth of CDs marked "Lucy B/U disk 1 of 2 _date_".

This weekend, I spent hours scanning old back ups trying to find a video we took of Samantha and Rocky howling together. While Rocky and Paddi are great friends, they just don't do the things that Samantha and Rocky did together. They're so much alike but so different. No more tug of war, no more howling in unison, no more napping in the same bed. All I want is to find that video. But time has played havoc on my memory and I can't remember which back up might contain that moment when Rocky and Samantha were at their beagle best.

ETA: Found it. It was in a restored file hiding from me. Whew! For your viewing pleasure: