Side effects may include embarrassment

I went to the IT dept to have my name changed on the Exchange Server. The kid (not joking, he's a junior in college) who is the head of the IT dept looks at me and says, "congratulations on getting married." At which point I say, "oh, no, other way." He looks at me confused for a minute and then says, "well, this is awkward. Congratulations, anyway?"

****

My mom was visiting this week. She rang up an old friend's daughter who lives here in town. Keep in mind that I only heard half the conversation:

Mom: I'm staying at Stephanie's house. She works tomorrow from 8:30-2:30. Then she has class at 6-8.

Sue asks a question.

Mom: oh no, she lives over by the University. Do you know where that is?

Sue says something.

Mom: oh, no, it's something else... (pause) there's been some changes in her life (pause)

Me: I got a divorce Sue! (I yell) You can say it mom, it's ok.

Mom: I'm having a hard time saying it. She's had some lifestyle changes recently.

Me: I'm not a lesbian mom! I got a divorce. It's ok to say it.

Mom: well, she got a divorce... let me give you to her so she can give you her address.