It's time for a few small repairs she said*

It's a funny feeling, being a "writer" who can't write. My whole life I've turned to writing as a way to share my thoughts and feelings, especially when I was unable to verbalize those thoughts and feelings. But here I am, desperately needing to write something. Yet the words don't come. I've visited my blog almost daily for the past few weeks. I always have random thoughts screaming in my brain. Usually these thoughts pop in when I'm far from a computer or held hostage at work, where it's easier to not think about anything at all. When I sit down to write, words fail me. Or my brain fails my words. Words are tangled up in the goop and grime that coats my brain.

Perhaps it's because at b-school my left brain is busy taking over. We're talking about ROI, IMC, CSR and the like all the time. Could it be that my poor brain is overloaded with business-speak? How does that account for the lack of sleep? The lowered motivation? The intermittent appetite? We all know the cause. There are too many of us inside this dome. We're all talking at once but the one with the loudest voice is the one who tells me to stop being so... so... perfect. As a result, I've stopped putting forth as much effort with some things and that includes sleep, food, work, friends and family. When I write it all down it sounds like a lot. Truth is, I spend a lot of time thinking, or rather, not thinking, but feeling. I spend a fair amount of time training for my tri on June 21. So much so that my legs really hate me today. (Tomorrow is a swim day so they will be happy. Let the arms do the work.) Most of the time, I just spend the time trying to do the next thing that has to get done instead of thinking about all the things that will eventually need to be done. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. It's all I've got in me right now.

But this summer I think I will work more on me. Perhaps there's where the exhaustion lies? I've been working on me for the past six months. While going to grad school. While working part time. While working on a complicated relationship. While being everything to everyone. It's exhausting. Exhaustingly so. I'm not taking summer classes. Oh, there's the interterm class that is all online. It started today and I'll write a 15 page paper on crises management/communications by August 8. It's a breeze compared to the three-team-meeting-and-paper-a-week- figure-out-the-strategy-objectives-and-don't-hurt- Wendy's-feelings-while-your-at-it workload that I've been doing since September. Don't get me wrong, I luv grad school. It's sooooo fun. In "I'm a geek" kind of a way. But I'm still taking the summer off to work on my body/soul/mind improvement project. It's time for more than a few small repairs. We're talking a complete overhaul.

* from Sunny Came Home by Shawn Colvin