too much

Too much going on but not enough to keep me motivated. When did I lose my motivation? Where did it go? It's enough to think that there are wee motivation gnomes sneaking about, lurking, waiting to snatch my oompf. Don't want to bother finishing two design projects that bore me to tears. Don't want to bother cleaning the house (OCD me, I know!). Can't bother to put up the holiday decor or any kind of tree. Don't want to bother cleaning out my closets filled with crap that has multiplied like gremlins in the dark. Don't want to bother putting some shit up on craigslist to get it out of here and earn some cash. Don't want to bother calling Goodwill to pick up the room full of shit in the spare bedroom. Too much hassle. Too much work.

I broke down and applied for a part time job. And I got it. I'll work 20 hours a week on campus. It's convenient and I can walk to class after work. I need something to maintain a steady income for those months when the projects slow down but my bills don't. To tell the truth, I need something to make me feel like a real person again. Being a self-employed married to a real-employed makes one feel, well, less. Less sure. Less independent. Less confident. Less useful. When I had real employment, I could spend money willy-nilly. Want new shoes? Buy 'em. Lunch with my friends? No problem. Ski passes? Check. Plane tix home for no reason? Sure.

Is this a woman thing? Are women more likely to feel less like a contributor and more like a dependent when we are self-employed? Really, now, it has nothing to do with self-employment. Being self-employed has only magnified the truth. Over the past eight years, I've given up all control or interest in our household finances. I told myself that I wasn't good at it, so I should let the Mr. handle things. But really, I was just lazy. And now I can't write a check without asking where the checkbook lives. This scares me.

Julie (one of my team members from class) thinks I'm this strong, confident, take no shit, have no fear, bad ass. How disappointed she would be if she learned the truth. How disappointed the world must be to know the truth: I'm really just a girl who struggles to get out of bed, rages against her insecurities and fears being found out.

Feeling small and scared today. I just want to opt out and let things go on the way they have been going on. But I know that I can't keep going on like this. Must find that motivation I've lost. Must make the changes happen. Dog knows that no one else will.