on self confidence

“In my experience, each of us has the potential for a renaissance, an age defined by a creative, purposeful and engaged life. It doesn’t matter whether the creative work we choose is painting, dance, fiction, poetry or music. What matters is pursuing it mindfully. How do we get from beginning some new activity to a personal renaissance? Learning what things stand in the way of our comfortably engaging in some leisure activity, and how to break down those roadblocks as we experience them provides the practice we need to deal with our more familiar stresses and fears. Once examined through this new lens, many of our “problems” fall by the roadside. We can, it turns out, pursue art for art’s sake and art for life’s sake, and it matters little what that art is. Any creative activity can have a powerful effect on our lives if we pursue it mindfully and recognize the ways in which old familiar fears and habits can be set aside to make room for the personal renaissance we seek.”

Ellen J. Langer, On Becoming An Artist.

I'm sure I'm not the only creative person in the world who feels guilty for pursuing my creative side. Note to self: get over it. Be creative. Be authentic. Be original. When I hide my light it only smothers me. Am I worried about making others feel insecure and small themselves? Maybe. But it's not my responsibility to lift up the entire world. I can only work on improving myself. Last night at happy hour, I tried talking to a woman who might be on my new team for this school competition. (the competition is like of like a Geek Off with other business schools and there's a prize for the winning team) It was like pulling teeth to get a conversation going. It was one of those one-sided conversations where I kept asking questions because she would only give one word answers and never ask me a question. Finally she said that maybe she shouldn't be on the team because she's not as competitive as I want her to be. Where did this come from? Before last night all I knew about her was that she was in my class and she laughs loudly. I responded that I was just trying to make conversation and get to know her. (Sorority conversation lesson #1: When you only have one or two things in common with someone, you pick one of the two talk about and try to build on that.) Am I too bold, too excited, too competitive? Maybe. But maybe, she is the one who is timid and scared. Do the timid sit around and wonder if their mousy non-actions have offended other people? Probably not. So why do I worry if trying to talk with someone with low self-esteem was somehow insensitive? Now I'm thinking of removing myself from the team because I don't want to 1) be the problem on a team, and 2) be on a team with someone who can't carry on a basic conversation. Both would prove to be painful and waste of my time. I don't want to hide my creativity, my passion and my enthusiasm just because one person can't handle self-confidence in others. The joke is that we are all insecure in some way. I just get past it by working on something as best I can. I have little patience for those who hide behind their insecurities and won't contribute because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Everyone has to contribute on a team. That's the point. We all have to play the game.