I remember.

I've been processing this for the past few days. I wanted to post something on Sunday, but I was out of town and the words just wouldn't come to me.

*

I remember that day and the days that followed were unbelievably beautiful here in Colorado. I think Mother Nature was trying to sooth us with her beauty, but the stark contrast between what we witnessed and the clear blue skies only magnified the feelings of loss. The absence of air traffic in cloudless skies was deafening. It was like we were all on hold, suspended in the calm light of a crisp September.

I remember watching it happen on tv, raw and unedited at first. Reporters and anchors who normally blathered on about the weather in Topeka, the latest fashion trend or interviews with inconsequential celebrities were silenced with shock. Slowly, over the next few days, their graphics departments were on it with the Official Network Graphic for The Attack on America. If the first few hours and days were nothing but reality, the time after was Reality with a Logo.

I remember thinking about the time I went to NYC in 1993 to visit a then-boyfriend. He took me to the WTC so I could see the city from the outdoor observation deck on the 110th floor. We were out of luck. It was overcast that day, so we found ourselves inside, suspended in the clouds. I had to go up to the window and look down to see anything but clouds. At the time, I thought how un-fucking-believably high up we were. It wasn't natural to me, a girl from the Wide Open West, with buildings that top out half the height. But there we stood, 107 floors up, separated from the heavy grey clouds by a seemingly thin piece of glass.

I remember feeling that nothing would be the same again. Sure, we would all go back to the automatic motions of life, but we'd all be a just a little... tilted. The same yet a little different. A little more paranoid. A little more unsettled. A little more grateful for being alive. A little more guilty over things left undone. Laughter stopped. Kindness began. Hope held up a tiny hand, pleading with us to listen.

I remember that this was the beginning for me. It was the time I started thinking about my future life. Looking back, I suppose it was when I decided to start my own business, in the far back corner of my mind. A year later I began taking business classes at night. I began doing research on how to run a business. I began taking risks I never had the guts to take Before.

Should I feel guilty for this? Some days I do. Most of the time I believe it is my responsibility to live as passionately as I can. To laugh. To love. To hope. To be kind. To help others. To give. This is how I remember.