Unreasonable Expectations

I visited my acupuncturist/massage therapist/chiropractor/Eastern Medicine/miracle worker yesterday with an odd strain in my back. It only occurred when I went to put on or take off my pants. And only on my right side. I also had a tense neck and shoulder. On my right side. Since I'm used to being all jacked up for one reason or another, I didn't associate the two as symptoms of a larger problem. I had attributed both to 1) yardwork-o-rama, 2) golfing, 3) golf lessons, 4) drinking a wee bit too much with my BFF on her visit here, 5) dogs pulling on a leash as they struggled to attack an innocent discarded hotdog in the park.

What she told me may surprise you... it's from worrying and anxiety. What? That's crazy! Me? Anxious? Believe it or not, I worry. I worry about money. I worry about being successful. I worry about not being successful. I worry about money. I worry about leaving the dogs alone when I go to business meetings. I worry about talking to strangers. I worry about what clothes to wear. I worry about money. Then I worry some more about money.

I never used to worry about money when I had a cube job. Money just magically showed up in my bank account every week. As if the Paycheck Fairy had flittered down and bestowed a gift under my pillow. Oh, wait, that's the Tooth Fairy. Or is it? Instead of a tooth, in exchange for part of my soul, I received a paycheck. Now I have all of me to myself, and no steady paycheck. But it's replaced with plenty o' worry.

According to Dr. Barbara, we are on a first name basis, anxiety and stress show up in the spleen. Stress also shows up in the neck, but it's usually coming from an imbalance in the back, which is the "switchboard" of the body. Sometimes it's the kidneys as well, or something else. At that point I had 6 needles in me and hot stones on my back, so my listening functions were, shall we say, limited. My anxiety is showing up in the one weird spot where it happens to hurt when I try to put on pants. Hmm. Maybe I should switch to skirts?

Why all the anxiety? I've been journaling every night before bed and I've come to a realization. What? Yes, I've been cheating on you with a paper journal. Get over it. Not everything in my head is fit for public viewing. Really. My realization is that I've placed these unbelievably high expectations on myself and I'm falling short. Even hubby says it. That's the rub. He doesn't expect me to pull in six figures the first year. I do. My friends don't expect me to replace ALL my income from cubetopia. I do. My family doesn't expect me to be insanely busy with client work all the time. I do. But I still put these expectations on myself. In my head I've got this idea of what I should be doing, where I should be at, who I should be at this point. I fall terribly short of this. I feel like all the world is watching me and admitting that I haven't achieved a lifetime of success in less than six months is admitting failure. My overachieving tendencies are only causing me to feel like I'm a failure.

I need to learn to let go. To stop worrying. To stop measuring myself against such impossible expectations. My yard stick of success is unreasonable, yet I continue to look at it as if it's going to provide the magic solution. I see myself everyday, sitting at my computer, working, working, working. On what? For what? If I don't have client work to do, what the hell am I doing at a computer? This morning I got away from my ball and chain and read the DBJ in the kitchen. Standing up. Tomorrow I think I'll read the Denver Post outside on the deck. In the afternoon. Not first thing in the AM like I've been doing. I'm going to get up earlier and walk the hounds, then do something different with my time. Maybe unplug and go to the library. Or the park. Or somewhere other than this office and my house which seems to be closing in on me, limiting my mind and spirit.

I need to learn to take success one step at a time. To cheer on the little things that happen. Like when the devil dogs pay attention to me with a treat in the park instead of barking frantically at passing dogs. Yes! This is a very small victory, but it showed me that persistence and rewards pay off in the long run. It also showed me to buy that brand of treats by the ton and get some of their stock.