Overwhelmed. Ack.

(running and hiding under covers) Leave me alone. Wait! Don't go.

I have that panic-y feeling again. It's a bubbling sense of fear. The fear starts whispering in my ear: "you are a joke. You will fail." I tell it to shut it and try to cover up the fear with too much work to do. Now I have too much work, and not enough motivation. I have no idea why. Well, that's a lie, I do.

Tomorrow I have a public speaking engagement. I repeat, I have to speak. To people. In public. The speaking in public part is not so bad on its own. It's the subject that has me doubled over in pain. Me. Yes. Me. I have to talk about ME. In public. To people. This, I am not so good at. I can talk about you in public. I can talk about color theory and how it relates to buying habits in public. I could talk about tomatoes 10 lbs for a $1 in public. But, me? No. I have nothing so say about me. Nada.

Instead of working on my speech, instead of working on tracking down 400 envelopes in Proterra Antique Kraft, instead of calling my outstanding A/R and asking for money, I do this. I blog. I read. I sign up for Photoshop workshops. I organize my piles of crap on the desk. I do anything but think about speaking of ME in public.

Case in point: I heard an acoustic version of a Social Distortion song on the radio that reminded me of someone, something, another life, someone else. It was driving me nuts. Not a very far drive, by the way. I could hear this song in my head that it reminded me of, but I couldn't remember the artist or song name. I looked through all my CDs. I even dusted off my old cassette tapes to find it. Still no luck. I was driven to find this song. So I Google'd the lyrics I could remember. Then I found the song. After that, I Google'd the song title and came up with the artist. (Fairytale of New York by The Pogues. Don't laugh. Please.) Thank you Internets! Then I went to iTunes to download it. They don't have it. Come on! iTunes, don't you know I am putting off something important by looking for this song?! Geesh.

Yes, I realize that Social Distortion and The Pogues have little in common, but something about the Social D song sent a obsessive search directive to my brain. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe I've finally snapped. All I know is that I can not rest until I have that song. Of course, it has nothing to do with the thing I will not speak of tomorrow. No. Not at all. Not one bit.